


Ask Arress

by Arress



Category: NCIS
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 14:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1713932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arress/pseuds/Arress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This will be a series of letters from NCIS characters to the advice columnist, Ask Arress (a parody of any advice columnist you’ve ever read).  The letters are not meant to be taken seriously, but were written to make people laugh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ask Arress

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea after reading a “Dear Abby” column the other day, and just had to run with it. Though no names are mentioned in this particular letter, I’m sure the character who wrote it will be instantly recognizable, as well as the character the letter is referring to. We all have our favorite characters, and we all have characters we don’t like. So, if you like Ziva, don’t read this. If you read it anyway after being warned and leave a flame, it will be doused, ah, I mean deleted. 
> 
> Many thanks to SASundance for her help, support, and suggestions. 
> 
> This story is not beta’d. All mistakes are mine and mine alone. 
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Dear Ask Arress:

I have this co-worker who I want to sleep with. You see, I have to get him to willingly have sex with me so I can manipulate him into doing whatever I wish. I have told him he is annoying and childish. I lied to him when the boss had to go out of state for a case and I wanted to sneak out of the office for a little afternoon debate (is that the correct word?) and left him alone in the office to fend for himself. I called him dead weight when I was ordered to take him along on a mission, invited everyone on the team to dinner except him, even the Mortuary Spook, and then rubbed his head in it, ignored him when he saved my life (more than once), and I told him I wished he was dead after he killed my toy-boy in self defense. And the fact that I knocked him down when he was injured and pointed a loaded weapon at him is no large deal. He needed to learn a lesson. I accused him of being jealous many, many, many times when he expressed his concern that I was being used. I yelled at him more times than I can count when he was only trying to help me. Once I even forced him to apologize to me when it was I who should have apologized to him. I have spent the past eight years berating, besmalling, emasculating, and insulting him every chance I got. What more can I possibly do to convince him to be my sex slave? I just cannot imagine why he would not hop at the chance. I told him once that he was a good person, does that not count for anything? So I once sort of accidentally killed a person that annoyed me. Is that a good reason to reject me? The fact that I have slaughtered several (hundred) people who stood between me and what I wanted is no reason for him to continue to resist me, is it? Please, Arress, tell me what more I can do to make him bend to my will?!

Signed,  
Can Kill You With a Paperclip

 

Dear Can Kill You With a Paperclip:

I've taken your fingerprints from your letter so I know who you are, and you might want to leave the country as soon as possible, as I've informed the proper authorities that you're a psychopath, and quite possibly a homicidal maniac. Also, with a little investigation I have discovered the identity of the object of your "affection", and he has been put into protective custody until his safety can be assured. 

Signed,  
Ask Arress

PS: What is a Mortuary Spook?


End file.
